A guy calls tech support to report that his computer is faulty. Tech: What's the problem? User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply. Tech: You'll need a new power supply. User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files. Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it. User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command. 10 minutes later ---------------- The User is still adamant that he is right. The Tech is frustrated and fed up. Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem. User: I knew it! Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes. 10 minutes later: ----------------- User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking. Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using? User: MS-DOS 6.22. Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes. 2 hour later: ------------- User: I need a new power supply. Tech: How did you come to that conclusion? User: Well, I called Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply. Tech: Then what did he say? User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE. ====================================================== Here are some conversations which had actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside." -=+=- Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours." Customer: "Is that Eastern time?" -=+=- Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button." Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse." -=+=- Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it." -=+=- Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?" Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them." -=+=- Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." -=+=- Customer: "Now what do I do?" Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?" Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'" Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name." Customer: "How do you spell that?" -=+=- Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" -=+=- Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?" Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service) Tech Support: "Well then we can't--" Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'." Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to--" Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through." Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me." Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later." -=+=- Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer "No." -=+=- Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?" -=+=- Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" Tech Support: "Years of training..." -=+=- Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?" Customer: "A white one." -=+=- Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?" Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?" Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?" Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?" Customer: "Which one is that?" Tech Support: "Windows NT Server." Customer: "Ok, thanks." -=+=- Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt." Customer: "How do you spell that?" -=+=- Customer: "I can't log in to my account." Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration." Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive." Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?" Customer: "'Case Sensitive'." -=+=- Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?" Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store." -=+=- Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?" Customer: "Pentium." -=+=- Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?" Customer: "Word 6.0." -=+=- Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?" -=+=- Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a database!" -=+=- Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?" Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?" -=+=- Customer: "I have a long distance modem." -=+=- Customer: "I don't have a space bar." -=+=- Customer: "Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?" -=+=-