Some are oldies and some are......  well, just plain dumb!
 
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-salted.
 
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
 
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."
 
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
 
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
 
6. Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The
ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
 
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
 
8. Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing "The green, green grass of home."
Doctor: "That sounds like a Tom Jones syndrome."
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual."
 
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
 
10. An invisible man married an invisible woman. Nobody could figure out
what they saw in each other. The kids were nothing to look at either.
 
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive..."
 
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet,
"let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really
heavy."
 
13. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad ... or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha
Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
 
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any..
 
15. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
 
16. I went to a seafood buffet at the gymnasium last week ... and pulled
a mussel.
 
17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
 
18. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
 
19. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"